Thirty Days of Kink - Fantasy Fuel

by horiavarlan on flickr


Day 21: Favorite BDSM related book (fiction or non-fiction)

The Sleeping Beauty Trilogy by Anne Rice

Thirty Days of Kink - What Curiosity did to the Pussy... Cat

Day 20: Talk about something within kink/bdsm that you’re curious about/don’t understand.

I'm not sure I understand everything, in fact, I know I don't. But that's not to say I don't understand something that I've explored. That's the great think about kink, the resources are limitless, and information is readily available. In addition, I'm curious about a lot. There are so many things to explore. That's what my journey is all about.

I am learning every time I read, every time I watch, every time I try something new, about what works, and what doesn't work for me. You see, I feel that kink is a very personalized thing. My journey is all about figuring out what makes my skin tingle, the hair stand on the back of my neck, my pulse race and my body temperature rise. It's not about figuring out why someone else likes a flogger over a cane. It's a very personal experience.

You know what I'm really curious about... the history. I wanna read a definitive work on the life of the Marquis de Sade. Now THAT would be intriguing.

Thirty Days of Kink - Self Improvement

by fragiletender on flickr

Day 19: Any unexpected ways kink has improved your life? If so, what are they?


Oh my, yes.


I feel balanced, for the first time in a very long time.  It's just that simple.  There's been a need in me for so very long that I didn't even know about, that I didn't understand.  There's a darkness that needs feeding, that needs embracing and acknowledging.  I am this girl, this woman, who needs to chase that darkness.  Doing so balances me.


In addition, the natural endorphins and adrenaline that my body produces when I'm in kink induced pain... are better than any synthetic drug I could ever experiment with.  They are tailor made for me, and fit me, perfectly,  When I get to that space, the stress of the world melts away -- physical, emotional, mental.  It's a happy place with few equals.  (Those would be the birth of my children, falling in love, the BIG moments in life.)  Yes, there are benefits to being kinky.


Silly question, perhaps.


Because of course there are benefits to being me.


I rock.

Thirty Days of Kink - What Pushes Ephemera's Other Buttons?

by moe_ on flickr

Day 18: Any kinky/BDSM pet peeves? If so, what are they?
Probably the most common pet peeve in the community is this one:

If you are a dominant, you are not automatically my dominant. I am not going to fall to the floor and submit to you, throwing my panties in the air and licking your boots, just because you say so. I am not so desperate to submit that I will to anyone who pushes me. I do not get wet at the thought of you treating me like I'm too stupid to know what's good for me, or what I want.

I'm strong, I'm smart, I'm tough. What I want is to find someone who is worthy of the trust it would take for me to let down that wall of toughness, and let them in. Someone who sees in me great value even in my flaws, and who has the strength of character to give me the structure, love, and discipline that will result in me becoming better at being me.

I need someone who will feed the fear in me, the little girl, in me, the brat, the one who is eager to please, the one who is hungry for pain and pleasure. Those things will only come borne out of a sense of confidence and trust. I've been approached by people who assert that because my brand of kink is not theirs, I'm a dreamer, filled with "Fantasy Island" bullshit who should remove myself from the kink community, because there are enough pretenders out there already. (No, I'm not joking... but I blocked him. So, that's done.)

In short, if you think you know me, you probably don't. If you think you can define my kink, fuck you. Pardon my French. If you think the way to get me all hot and bothered is to start ordering me around and treating me like trash when you haven't earned that right, you don't really get me at all.

Thirty Days of Kink - Kinky People

by psd on flickr

Day 17: What misconception about kinky people would you most like to clear up?

I think any preconceived idea about "kinky people" invites someone to separate "those people" from "us"; I don't particularly like that idea.

It reminds me of the Dr. Seuss story: The Sneetches

I think some might be surprised which of their coworkers, their family members, or the "normal" looking strangers you see at the grocery, or the movies are enjoy kink. I know businessmen and women, politicians, doctors, steel workers, people on disability, mothers, daughters, hair dressers, artists, musicians, school teachers, retail employees, civil servants and people ranging from their twenties to their seventies who are kinky.

I wish people wouldn't assume that "those kinky people" fit a certain mold.

I don't.

Thirty Days of Kink - Is That So Difficult?

by stevensnodgrass on flickr

Day 16: What are the most difficult aspects of having a sexuality that involves kink or BDSM for you personally?


I'm not sure I find having a sexuality that involves kink or BDSM particularly difficult.  It's not like I tell everyone I know about my sexual activities, and really, why do they need to know that I get off on pain, or on submission, or fear?  None of the girls at work talk to me about how they love it doggie-style, or on the washing machine, or to the soothing sounds of Marvin Gaye.  


That's not to say that I don't acknowledge that there's a preconceived idea about the type of person who is into BDSM.  It's why my kink blog is anonymous.  It's why when someone asks me about my weekend, I don't offer the story about what I experience at the dungeon.  It's why my Sadist always tries to make sure the bruises are well hidden.


I guess maybe the question makes me feel a bit false.  I don't struggle to keep my co-workers, or my family, or my vanilla friends out of my bedroom.  If by some chance, someone asked me about it, I'd share just as much information as they needed to satisfy their curiosity.  Of course, there are things I'm not exactly ready to share, but I do a fairly decent job of keeping my private life private.


I am not my sexuality.  
It is a part of me.  
That's not so difficult, is it?

Thirty Days of Kink - A Taste of Something New

by -ebelien- on flickr

Day 15: Post a BDSM/kink activity you’re curious about and would like to try.

There's a list of things I'd like to try, because I'm still fairly new to the buffet, and I haven't even seen the whole menu. I suppose, if I had to choose one item on which to focus, it would be this:

I have a bit of a fear of being trapped --- just enough to make every nerve in my body stand at attention, and tingle. I love the intricacies of these knots, and the lines they make on her flesh. I think it's one of the most beautiful things I've ever seen.

I want to know what it would be like to explore pain in this state. Though I'd have to trust my Sadist, and I do, because I couldn't squirm away. I want to see the rope against my pale skin, and taste the coppery penny taste of anxious anticipation as it tightens and draws me into something lovely in a way I've never seen myself before.

Someday soon, I'll get my chance.  Who knows, I may not even like it.  In the meantime though, I'm certainly enjoying the fantasies, and the conversations, and the images I come across as I wander around in the idea.

----------

I'm halfway there... this 30 Day thing isn't so bad!  If you're reading consistently, thanks for doing so.  I'd love to read a comment from you!

Thirty Days of Kink - Fantasies and Realities



by magnumlady on Flickr

 Day 14: How would you say real life BDSM/kink varies from fantasy BDSM/kink? If you haven’t experienced real life BDSM/kink how do you think it might differ?

My first introduction to kink was in an adult online writing community. I met Karhu there, and much of the D/s dynamic we explored was via writing and then voice chat, finally video chat. It was a nice start for me. I learned a great deal about the mental and emotional aspects of kink, but the limits to our interactions were pretty severe.

When it came time for me to explore past those limits, Karhu released me, and allowed me to continue on my journey. I have only just begun that journey, having explored for less than a year with Shepeherd, but the differences are vast. I've discovered my appetite for pain, as well as bottoming, and there's a list as long as his arm that I want to explore.

On the other hand, there are all the new things I'm learning from the crowd over at Devlin's blog, and that's very much fantasy for me right now. In addition, there's Poet... one whom I've been a bit quiet about, writing my kink posts. You'll learn more about him soon, if you keep reading.

Anyway, I think for me, fantasy is an incredible fuel for kink. Fantasy kink feeds me in a way that reality can't. It's not possible for me to be a girl, with a Wolf who loves and abuses me, without a bit of fantasy. And with the distance, sometimes the fantasy helps to make that 251 miles seem fewer. But the limits of fantasy alone are in no way enough for me. I need some real time physical interaction. So, I'm glad I've got both.

Thirty Days of Kink - I Want to Fight With All My Might, and Lose

by kiwinz on flickr

Day 13: Explain as best you can what the appeal of kink/BDSM is to you? Why are you drawn to what you’re drawn to?


This week I read this passage on Poppy and Devlin's blog, written by Alice.  The entire post was so very much about why I am drawn to kink, but this bit says it succinctly.


I want to push against a wall and find it immovable
I want to pound and find it solid
I want to know that I can’t win
I want to fight with all my might, and lose,
I want to kick and scream and stamp my foot
and find that it won’t work.

I want to know that I will not be pushed away,
will not be rejected, abandoned, screaming silently in the night.

but who will be the wall
who will stand firm
who will hold me til it’s over
and still be there?

I'm sure it's probably cheating to not write more.  Honestly, at this point I don't have other words to add.  I have written so much on this blog, and More Amour about why this journey and what drives me.  I'm sure I will write more.  

For tonight, I'm going to keep thinking about Alice's words, and let them sink into my heart where they belong, because for me, kink isn't just about getting off... it's about passion, about discovering the girl, the woman, the real me, in me.

Thanks, Alice and Poppy.

Thirty Days of Kink - Funny Bone

Day 12: Tell us about a humorous BDSM/kink experience you’ve had. If you haven’t had one, talk about aspects of kink/BDSM you find funny.

I'm not sure I can think of a funny experience, or aspect when it comes to kink. I've spent much of the day pondering the whole question. I do think, however, that it's important to laugh in any sort of relationship.

Laughter, when it is shared, and not used to separate, is an expression of acceptance. Laughter at myself helps me see that I am human. That I can make mistakes, look foolish, and fail without being a failure. I think successful relationships, especially between Tops and bottoms, Doms, and subbies leave room for "oh-my-fuck-that-was-funny-and-awkward-and-we-should-take-it-out-of-the-playbook." Laughter makes life a bit easier to live, and I think there are moments, when it really belongs in the lifestyle.

Though I don't think that split second before my Top's hand, or paddle, or other implement hits my ivory ass-cheeks is a good time for laughter.

Not at all.

Thirty Days of Kink - Sluttiness, the Right Way

by jvc on flickr

Day 11: What are your views on the ethics of kink?

I have a pretty direct and simple take on the ethics of kink. I believe that being ethical means a Top assumes or takes no power/submission/control that is not negotiated or offered by choice. I believe being ethical means a Top only negotiates and assumes power that he or she is capable of handling safely and fairly. I believe it is unethical for a Top or a bottom to lie -- about relationships, about negotiated activities, about intentions, skills, or anything else that would be a breach of the power exchange contract... however formal or informal it may be. I believe an ethical Top, or bottom does no harm -- which should not be confused with the practice of causing pain.

Many of my ethical standards regarding kink are based in my values regarding relationships. A good start for me is the book The Ethical Slut by Dossie Easton and Janet W. Hardy. I recommend it for anyone who is interested in the dynamics of relationships, especially non-traditional ones.

Thirty Days of Kink - NO.

by puntodevista on Flickr

Day 10: What are your hard limits?


Hard limits are simple, though I'm eager to explore a multitude of experiences. There are only a few things I'm definitely sure I DON'T WANT to include on that list. So they fall here, on this one:


HARD LIMITS


anything that would likely require medical treatment

anything that would jeopardize my job

anything that would jeopardize or disrespect my other relationships

bestiality

body modification

human waste / secretions

humiliation/degradation

illegal acts

infantilism

minors

necro-anything

non-consensual/non-negotiated

permanent injury

serving as toilet or ashtray

unprotected sex

violations of privacy

Note: 
I'm sure this list will grow, as I do.  I'll explore and learn new things about what others do... and some I'll find curious, and others will leave me with the ick factor.  So, as with all else, this list is dynamic.

Thirty Days of Kink - Darkness, Pain and Poetry

Day 9: Post a kink related song or music video you enjoy.




 I try to stay on top of you
To hold your body down
Your shaking seems to hinder
Every grasp that I have found

Moving every inch around me
To defuse your private bomb
I stretch myself surrounding
And protecting you from harm

I use a wallet for your mouth
So when you bite you will not bleed
I drilled a wire through my cheek
And let it down and out my sleeve

And now you're pulling out the best of me
Yeah which never ever comes
This wires all that's left of me
And it's hooked within my gums
Within my gums...

So drill it, so drill it
So hard
Feel it

Its proof to show that I bleed for this
And I'd cut myself the shame
To get to know this masochist
Who has stolen my first name

Pretending he's a teacher
Holding all my weight at ease
Yet the teacher seems to split in two
Destroying both his knees

Now crawling I position myself
Below your broken wings
I lift your feathered left arm
Where you hide your heart from me

I never noticed it was swollen
With the touch of brutal pain
I never knew a heart could live inside
The rust from all your rain
All your rain...

So drill it, so drill it
So hard
Feel it

I didn't think to bring a wash cloth
And rub away the dirt
Myself and I we share
This barely beating heart of hurt

And when the hurt comes there's an argument,
A fight to save a smile
A small attack on human tears
To dry them for a while

A dream we all should count on;
Yeah a vision I believe
Where confidence is found
Attached to wires on our sleeve

Where loneliness is history
Told to pack his shit and leave
Where guidance is a fortune
Told to help in time of need

And were crying isn't secret
It's the art of how we grieve
And lessons are the key
To every goal I will achieve
I will achieve

So drill it, so drill it
So hard
Feel it

(I especially love the first two stanzas.)

Thirty Days of Kink - Don't Just Tie Me Up

by DieselDemon on Flickr

Day 8: Post a kinky image you find erotic.

This one's easy.  


I love being tied up.  I do.  But just once (at first), I'd like more.  If you tie me up, I don't just want knots, I want beauty.

Oh, and tattoos are nice, too.

Thirty Days of Kink - Let's Play with Toys!

(by stevendepolo on flickr) 

Day 7: What’s your favorite toy?

Yummy toys!  


If we're talking my favorite toy(s) for getting myself off, there are two.  (Yes, I'm aware that the question asks about my favorite toy - singular - but we've already established that I'm polyamorous, and greedy, so I'm not used to having to choose just one.

So, if we're talking about get-me-to-orgasm toys, here are my favorites:

the Eroscillator

the Tapered Teaser

There's also a new one... but I couldn't find a pic. I just got it for Valentine's Day. It's amazing, but I think I need to do more research. :)

Of course, if' we're talking toys that induce pain, and lovely welts and marks and such... that's a different story.


Shepherd has a lovely paint stirring stick similar to these:

 

He's sanded it nicely and painted it gray, and attached a super thin strip of rubber to one side.  When I remember the bruises and marks it left on my backside last month, my ass tenses, and I get a tingly feeling.  I think it just may be my favorite.

So far.

Thirty Days of Kink - This Thing We Do (That I've Never Done)

(by aubergene on flickr)

Day 6: Describe your weirdest/most interesting sexual fantasy.

I confess, I peeked ahead, and I've been thinking about this post, and the corresponding fantasy all week. I'd planned to write about a scene that exploits my appetite for fear -- a scene about ripped stockings, and a growling voice in the dark, about a glittering blade that flashes in the low light and makes me shiver when it touches my bare skin...

And I might write about that fantasy soon, but not today.

Today, I happened across a couple of blog posts on my Blackberry, via Social Feeds. I found Poppy St. Vincent a few months back, completely by accident and I read her religiously now.  Though I don't consider myself part of the TTWD community of kinksters, there's a certain way that Poppy has of looking at life, and at the relationship between herself and Devlin, her Top, that I am drawn to. I don't think of myself primarily as a little girl, or a brat, though both live inside of me, and I don't know that I could give up THAT much control, and give a man who loved me the right to take me over his knee like a child. 


Yes, I am a masochist... and yet I'm not sure I could deal with the physical AND emotional pain of being scolded THEN spanked... soundly.  Still the more of her I read, the more I wonder what it would be like to be loved by that sort of man. This morning I read another of her insightful posts, and it brought tears to my eyes. On Poppy's blog, or perhaps on Devlin's, I can't remember which now, I came across a link to Erica Scott's blog, and the post I read there today also made me teary-eyed. 

I'm still not convinced that I need the sort of relationship where I'm disciplined by a man, but the more I read and identify with Poppy, and others, the more I'm not convinced I don't want one, too.

And so, for today, the fantasy that's running around in my head involves a slightly older, distinguished looking man, with dark eyes, and a growly voice, who will draw me into his lap for a cuddle. He will also look at me and know that I need to be drawn "strictly into his boundaries where I feel safe and relaxed." He will know that I need to weep away my stress, safe and under his firm hand. He will sort me out... telling me calmly to pull down my panties, and bend over... warming up my backside slowly at first, then with harder and harder lashes of his hand, a hair brush, a spoon, and maybe even a belt.

He will not let me get away with bratty comments, or boundary pushing, but will be strict and firm... not stopping until I am sobbing and warm, and feel as though the world has righted itself. Then he will draw me back into his arms, onto his lap, where I will kiss his neck and dry my tears in the collar of his shirt. He will soothe me, and cuddle me, and I will float.

I don't think this man exists in my life right now. I find myself wondering whether he ever will. I am not complaining, because my life is full of joy and darkness and love and the good sort of pain that feeds me. And though I have a wonderful place to explore things like torn stockings and smeared lipstick and the cold steel of a blade against my skin... I can't seem to stop thinking about a very different sort of path to that adrenaline release and endorphin rush I get when my Sadist feeds my masochistic side.

I suppose that's what fantasies are all about... and this is only one... only today's.


Funny how that works out.

Thirty Days of Kink - Where Does It Hurt?

(by striatic on flickr)

Day 5: What was your first kinky sexual experience? If you haven’t had one yet, talk about what you hope to have happen.


The first introduction I had to sensation play came mentally, verbally, and via video chat, from Karhu. There was some definite kink involved, and even some sexual play, but it was limited to what I could perform on myself at his command.

I think I would qualify my first kinky sexual experience as my first night with Shepherd. I knew before I met him that I was interested in kink. I'd played around with some things, mostly the mental and emotional aspects of the D/s dynamic. What I didn't know that first night, is that I am very much a masochist. I get off on pain. I can orgasm when my nipples are twisted abusively. I love the sting of a hand when it strikes my flesh.

There wasn't much more that we explored that first night besides Shepherd's hands. He pinned me against the wall, and growled at my throat. He ordered me to strip. He touched and explored my body, listening to its cues, fed me with painful sensations one after another. I was shocked at what my body could withstand, and even more surprised at what it asked for.

I never believed I had a high pain threshold, having always been a baby about sprains, migraines, and stress injuries. I learned that night that if I bite my lip and ignore the clamoring of my brain, there's a quiet place --- an escape from the stresses of my life --- a space where I can let the flood of pain bear me away safe and warm, feeling used, wanted and cherished. I will never forget the night I met my sadistic Top. He took me to his dark world and showed me where it hurt.  Now I am hooked.

By the by, the night didn't end with sex. There was a bit of release offered and accepted by both of us, but the actual amazing sex came later. This night was all about the pleasure of giving and receiving pain.

My name is Ephemera.
I'm a Masochist, and I'm hungry.
It's so good to meet you.
;)

Thirty Days of Kink - Clueless?

(by txberiu on Flickr)

Day 4: Any early experiences that, in retrospect, hint at your kinks?

I'm not sure there were any early experiences that pointed to my kinks.  Honestly, my childhood was very sheltered, and I didn't have sex until my senior year in high school.  I went away to college the next fall, and by Christmas I was home, pregnant.  The next twenty years were spent marrying, having babies, getting divorced, getting remarried and being a mom.  I didn't really feel the freedom to explore me until my kids began leaving home and I realized how unhappy I was with my life.


It didn't take me long though to figure out that there WERE early hints that I am polyamorous.  I'm married to someone who knew me in high school.  He confirmed that he's always known I fall in love easily with more than one person at a time.  I guess I was naive, but I learned quickly.  Now I'm hungry to make up for lost time!

Thirty Days of Kink - My Pen is Bent!?

(by Phil_Parker on Flickr)

Day 3: How did you discover you were kinky?

It all began with a pen...


I started exploring my late adulthood sexuality via the 101 Nights books. Later, I discovered a community where I could broaden my horizons writing fantasy and erotica. There I met and fell in love with a sweet, growly bear of a Finnish man I'll call Karhu, here. He's the one who introduced me to the D/s dynamic, and allowed me to explore both mentally and emotionally my submissive and kinky side. Karhu and I are still very close, though the time difference between us is nearly ten hours, and staying connected is hard.


In Karhu I discovered the strength and hunger that I was longing for, and I also found the flicker of fear that makes my heart race, my pupils dilate, and my core overheat. Much of my early exploration into kink involved fiction, written role-play, and fantasy. I co-wrote stories about wolves and girls, vampires and girls, tentacle monsters and girls... mind you, all the girls were adults. I'm just saying, I'm not into that kind of underage kink. With Karhu though, I began to implement some of those protocols into my day to day life. It wasn't easy, the distance again made connecting a challenge. But some kinky things can be done via video chat.


With Karhu I learned a great deal about the mental, emotional and spiritual aspects of submission--of being owned, cherished, and dominated. I learned the pleasure of wearing a collar, and was amazed at the emotional response that simple accoutrement brought out in me... not just a change in my demeanor, but a sense of being treasured, sheltered and valued. Even now, thinking about the relationship I shared with Karhu, I tear up, and find a lump in my throat. We outgrew our intense Power Exchange dynamic and he released me from my collar so I could explore those things physically, in person, but I miss them with him. I miss him.


When Shepherd and I met, I learned very quickly, to my surprise, that I am one of those fortunate people who gets off on pain. I get the adrenaline, the endorphin rush, the orgasms. I used to think I had a very low tolerance for pain. Now I know with the right mindset, and with the right sadist, pain feeds me... it FEEEEEEEDS me!


I'm still fairly new on this twisted road of kink. If discovering I am kinky is the first step, I can't wait to discover more.

Thirty Days of Kink - What Pushes Ephemera's Buttons?

(by Indi on Flickr)

(by Indi on Flickr)

Day 2 - List Your Kinks.


Once again, I followed _sub_girl's lead and took advantage of FetLife's great resources for this one. I should note that there, my list evolves, because I add something wonderfully sensual or kinky or clever every few days -- the clever ones usually stolen from someone else's list.

What? Sharing is encouraged on Fet!

Anyway, here's my list:


I'm Into:

"I love you, but I will hurt you."

"Enough. now come here..."

a brilliant mind, a creative player and imaginative lover

a fistful of hair and a passionate kiss

a growl from out of the darkness, behind you

a hand on her (my) throat

a kinky mind with a wicked sense of humor

a lovely shade of ouch

a voice that calms, comforts and reassures

absolute trust

anal (receiving)

art erotica

bare bottom spanking (receiving)

bare handed spanking (receiving)

being a hopeless romantic

being capable of loving more than one person

being devoured by your eyes from across the room

being told "you're mine"

biting (receiving)

blindfolds

blogging

bondage

bring-them-to-the-edge-of-orgasm-but-don't-let-them-cum-for-a-while (receiving)

bruises (receiving)

burlesque

candle wax

caressing

clamps and clips

collars

control (surrendering)

covert bondage

d/s

domination (receiving)

erotic literature

eyeglasses

fingering (receiving)

fingernails (receiving)

fisting (receiving)

flirting

flogging (receiving)

geeks

glass dildos (receiving)

hair pulling

hands

humor

intelligence

kilts

kissing

librarians

light bondage

lingerie

marks for you to remember me by (receiving)

masks

masochism

massages

masturbation

multiple orgasms

music

mutual masturbation

necks

online play

orgasm control

pain (receiving)

phone sex

photography

pin-ups

pinching (receiving)

polyamory

power exchange

restraints

sadomasochism (receiving)

scarf bondage

scratching (receiving)

seduction

sensation play

sensual play

submission (giving)

subspace

tattoos

the sound of rain while cuddling on the bed

torn skirts, ripped stockings and smeared lipstick

touching

toys

vibrators

voyeurism

writing erotica

I'm Curious about:

breath play

caning

consensual non-consent

electrical play

fear

fucking machines

kinbaku

mental bondage

outdoor sex

predator/prey

public play

rope bondage/suspension

sacred sexuality

sadism

spreader bars

swinging

tantra

threesomes

Victorian pornography

vintage lingerie

~*~*~*~

I'm even EARLY on this one! It's not yet 8:00 in the morning!

Bring on Day 3!