Into the Dark and Darker Woods

This post is a response to Sir Lostpup Grey Shepherd



The woods are lovely, dark and deep.
-Robert Frost


Into your darkest corner, you are safe in my love, you are protected. 
I am the openess you seek, I am your doorway. 
Come sit in the circular temple of my heart, & let yourself be calm.”
-Agapi Stassinopoulos

There is pleasure in the pathless woods...
-George Byron

“Darkness soothed. It softened the sharp edges of the world, toned down the too-harsh colors. With the coming of twilight, the sky seemed to recede; the universe expanded. The night was bigger than the day, and in its realm, life seemed to have more possibilities.”
-Dean Koontz, Midnight

“I trust only you and the dark always to look at me so honestly.”
-Meredith Duran, Wicked Becomes You

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Who am I?

I am a poet-girl with a raven spirit, who flew headlong into the sky, to find my freedom, and meet myself.  I am a grateful dreamer, a child-of-the-wild-blue-yonder, with a big, roomy heart, and a hunger to know and love.  I am both strong and weak, young and mature, confident and insecure, graceful and awkward, woman and child. I am a girl who at nineteen, found myself in the middle of an unplanned pregnancy, and spent the next two decades serving my family as mother, educator, wife and friend.
I loved that life, and chose it on purpose.  I love my husband, children, grandchildren, and the life we've made.  Yet, when my babies were grown and my life became my own again, I needed to stretch my wings and find the path that had always been mine alone.  I have been trying to mind
my steps and be thoughtful about where they lead me ever since.

I think I have always been a poly girl, though I did not always know it was possible to be so, nor did I have the words to describe or label what it meant.  My heart craves people.  I am fascinated with their stories, their lives, their emotions and their reasonings.  I ache to know and be known. Being invited into someone's heart and their inner world feeds my heart in ways this word-girl can't even begin yet to describe.  This journey to find others who crave what I do, has been rocky thus far.  The path has been rough.  I've been wounded and bruised and have had to learn to heal and be tough.

Enter the Wolf.

One day I decided it was time to go hunting.  I felt alone, and alien, and my experiences with loving more than one had been so very painful.  I knew I needed more, and so I went into the woods to find like minded beings who understood my need to know and be known.  I found Him, and perhaps He was also hunting for me, and my life is forever changed.

He is not what you might expect.  He's a Wolf and a Shepherd, fierce and gentle, dark and light, sadistic and loving, simple and complex.  He works harder than any man I've ever met at loving those who are His pack.  He makes mistakes, and makes amends, and He gets it right.
He fights for me. He is the man I trust with every part of who I am, and He celebrates me fully.  He loves my darkness.


He is my Wolf and my haven.
He lives by the promise to hurt but do no harm.

He includes me in his pack.

He includes me.

        I am welcome. 

               I am wanted.

                          I belong.

I am at home in His woods, they are mine.

When the civilized world -- where darkness is a diversion locked away in boxes -- becomes too loud, too demanding too much to bear, I know I can come home to His woods and find that I have a place.  There is a space in His heart and world only I can fill. I can escape to Him, and find my peace, my center, myself.

And so, I look to the future - into a new year - into a long life in His heart and at His side, and I know I belong to Him.  He owns me, has earned my trust, and I am His ink-smudged poet-girl with the heart of a raven.

At his invitation, I will keep exploring.  I will fly, I will hunt and  play. I will grow and live and inspire words and wonder and the flight of others.

At the same time, I will forever be bound to His heart and life. Soon I will wear his collar, I will be tethered to Him as a bird to her Falconer, trusting Him to train me, care for me, protect me and love me.  I hope to always make Him proud and happy He invited me in.

As he said, you are welcome in our forest.  I know there are other girls out there like me, who long to find themselves in the dark and darker woods.  I hope if you are that sort of girl, and you are reading here, you will be encouraged by my journey.  There is a great big, off-the-beaten-path place for me, and for you.  I hope you won't stop searching until you find it.

Out of Sorts and Sorting Out

I did not post a journal entry last night.  The truth is that I forgot about it completely.  I honestly have no excuse.

And that's okay. Here's why:

Sometimes a girl needs to be reminded that someone is watching, that someone cares enough to notice when she misses a deadline or crosses a boundary.  Come closer, so I can whisper a secret.  Sometimes a girl will purposely, or unconsciously cross such a line because somewhere inside her, there's a little girl who just needs to be told off and sorted out.  She needs to know her boundaries and her value have not changed.

I watched it all day yesterday with my grandson.  Things were hectic. Everyone was busy and he could sense it.  So he pushed.  He needed each of us in turn to assure him that he was secure, that the boundaries were still in place.

Babies do this intuitively.

For me, two very small, inconsequential things happened yesterday.  First, Shepherd texted me and said that our call on Tuesday might be squeezed by a very busy week that is outside the normal routine.  He is in "the country" all week, celebrating Thanksgiving with Shepherdess. It is just where he should be.

You know what? I can tell I've grown. I responded by telling him I understand.  It is that time of year. Now, I would much rather talk to him, but he knows that; and being grateful for every phone date can really change a girl's attitude.

The other thing that happened yesterday involves the fact that Husband is off in the woods this weekend, camping and hunting. We have been talking recently about text messages. We each send little notes to others we don't see every day, just to say "I'm thinking about you and I miss you." We agree that though we see each other nearly every day, it's nice to send the occasional note. Additionally, when we are apart, like we are this weekend, we always try to send each other a good night and good morning text.

I realize that he is in a remote area. I've camped there before. But there are several places in camp where you can get signal. He managed to text me to say they had arrived, and again yesterday evening to say they hadn't seen any deer.

No good night before bed and no good morning.

I find myself wondering if he has been in touch with anyone else he misses.

I will get over that. It's a very small thing. But I wonder whether the girl in me is feeling a little out of sorts, like my grandbaby -- just needing reassurance and sorting out.

Several months ago I recognized that I needed some boundaries that might seem childish.  I know that Husband and Shepherd get busy and they both do a great deal to express their love for me.

So, being poly and resourceful, I enlisted the help of a fellow writer and dear friend who was perfectly willing to ask me every day whether I have written in my journal, or done my affirmations, or scheduled time to myself.

He is very diligent to enforce those boundaries and provide consequences that make me feel noticed and secure.

So, today, when he realizes I didn't post a journal entry, I won't even balk at the consequences...

...too much.